Why did I want children to begin with? Well, that's just what you do, right? You grow up, you get married, you have children, you get old, you get grandchildren, you die. Having grown up in the Church, it was also something drilled into us- multiply and replenish the Earth (although you con't have to do it all by yourself as my parents tried to do. LOL).
We were ecstatic when we first found out we were expecting our oldest. Then reality and the puking kicked in!! It was not a pleasant pregnancy to say the least. Okay, it was horrible, awful, terrible. I HATED being pregnant. But delivery and recovery were fairly a breeze so that kind of made up for it. Oh, but I did get to be in the hospital 3 times during pregnancy, got jabbed by all those needles by nurses trying to get an IV started in dehydrated veins. Yeah, that memory still isn't gone 18 years later.
A year and a half or so after that, we started thinking about a 2nd one. I mean, goodness, pregnancy couldn't possibly be *that* bad every time. right? Much to our dismay and sorrow, we waited and waited and waited for that pink line to show up. It finally did one Tuesday afternoon, more than 2 years later. We were thrilled. I announced it to the world. Then just a few short days later, devastation followed when I miscarried. I couldn't understand why God would let it take sooooooo long to have another child and then snatch it away. Thankfully, those thoughts didn't last long. I knew it was irrational and put it aside. 4 months later, we found out I was pregnant again. Our 2nd son was born that year after an almost equally horrific pregnancy and a much more difficult delivery (what do you expect when the baby is 9# 11oz???). Recovery seemed okay at first but some complications set in. That was "fun".
For some reason, it wasn't enough, though. We started wanting another!! Before our 3rd was born, we again dealt with infertility. And on top of that, I went through an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy that ruptured and required emergency surgery. Despite that, our 3rd son was born almost exactly one year later. That pregnancy wasn't nearly as awful, almost okay, even. Delivery and recovery were a breeze!! Almost 3 years after his birth, we thought it was time for yet another one. We figured it would take at least a year given our history. Imagine our surprise, one month later, when we found out we were expecting our 4th child!! Not a bit of infertility. But the puking returned and on top of that, I got DVT (blood clots). A month of bed rest and 2X daily injections of blood thinners (which I got to give myself!!) seemed to take care of the problem and the rest of the pregnancy was actually quite easy. My Dr., who attends our Church and believes in big families (*IF* the mother's health permits), told me I shouldn't have more due to possible death from complications of another blood clot. Yeah, I'm not interested in dying quite this young and leaving 4 children behind. I would also have to be on blood thinners again for the entire pregnancy. It was $35,000 just for the 7 months of injections!!! After a lot of prayer and thought, we decided that we would not have more and the Dr. performed surgery.
So, now that you have that fascinating history, why did you need to know it??? I guess to show the contrast between what happened and what I'm thinking. We went through so much to get several of our children into our family. Why? What made us willing to go through that?
I love my children. There is no doubt about that. There are some days, however, that I don't like them much. When they're whiny, arguing with each other, arguing with ME, giving me stress about school work, etc., etc., etc. I've said before on this blog, I'm a rather selfish person some days and that isn't really conducive to being a good Mom. I'm no longer interested in being Mother of the Year. I just want my children to grow up, be productive citizens, have good lives and leave home.
Wow, that was blunt. I'm in a mood tonight.
Last month I had an interesting dream. I don't have realistic dreams very often. They are usually quite clearly dreams, imaginings of a partly deranged mind. But this dream was different. It wasn't that weird stuff. It was rational and very life-like. And I was pregnant. ugh. I also usually don't remember dreams too well. This one was very clear long after I woke up. And still is today. I thought a lot about that dream and wondered if it meant something. Because the last time I dreamed like that (almost 14 years ago) *was* a message, I decided to pay attention. I had a few conversations with God. In the end, I told Him "Thy will be done". I was willing to go through pregnancy despite knowing how horrible it could be and what complications could arise. I am still thankful that it was just a dream and I am NOT adding another child to the family. :-) Maybe it was enough to be willing. I don't know. I'm rambling again. Why in the world would I want to have another child??? I'm not doing so great with the ones I already have. I'm trying to be better. Not sure how well I'm succeeding. I'm sure my children will let me know once they've grown up.
I don't regret having children. Not for a single millisecond!!!!! I know they are all meant to be part of my family. Even our nephew. We hope to adopt him this summer. Then he'll truly be ours!! Is it getting older that makes my mind wander to thinking about wanting more? Is it because I can't? Is it just a slow deterioration of my already weak mind? I don't know. I really, truly don't have an answer to the questions. I don't know if it was just nature that makes us want to procreate and further the species. Maybe it was some innate knowledge that God wants us to have families. Maybe I was delusional and thought I could do things sooooooooooo much better than my parents. Yeah, that's funny. I know I'm doing some things differently that needed to be changed but I also know that there are some things from childhood that just get ingrained and they become part of who you are. I also know that I share some of the same mental issues my Mom's family has and that has certainly effected my ability to be that "perfect" Mom. There are so many things I do know. I know God wants us to be a family and to be happy. I know it was a good choice to have children. I know I will get through their growing-up years in one piece (even if I have to duct-tape them!!!). The one thing I still don't know, though, is the answer to that question-
Why did I have children???
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| I have to admit, we made some pretty good looking kids!!! |
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