Pressure? What pressure?

I have no question as to why Utah has one of the highest (if not *the* highest) use of anti-depressants in the country. Imagine the following if you will-
The Mom arises at 5am. She is happy and is looking forward to the busy day she has planned. She sits down to the kitchen table and reads her scriptures for 30 minutes and then slips on her running shoes for a 5 mile run. As soon as she finishes, she quickly puts the ingredients together for a batch of home-made, whole-wheat bread that her family loves. While the dough rises, she takes a shower, gets fully dressed and even does her hair and puts on some make-up.
At 6:30am she wakes 3 of the children. They cheerfully bound out of bed and begin getting ready for the day. They also cheerfully take turns in the bathroom they share. The Mom returns to the kitchen where the bread dough is ready to be put into pans. She slices enough bread from yesterday's baking to make lunches for her husband and children. Between slathering slices of bread with homemade peanut butter and jam, she flips the bacon and eggs that are frying in a pan and puts 2 more slices of bread in the toaster. 30 minutes later, The Dad and the 3 oldest children have eaten breakfast, had family scripture study and prayer and are ready for their day.
The Mom goes and wakes the other 4 children. 2 of them have school but start later than the oldest so they get to sleep in a little. The Mom gets the youngest 2 dressed and into the kitchen for breakfast. Not a cross word has been heard all morning!!
After waving good-bye as the bus picks up the last 2 children, The Mom sits down to the table to write out her monthly menu. She has combed through the store ads and has her clipped coupons all ready to go. For the entire month she will only be spending $10 to feed her family! She is beaming with joy as she thinks of the wholesome food she will be preparing for her family.
It's Monday and that means it's Mending Day for The Mom. She sits down at her sewing machine and repairs several pairs of jeans with ripped out knees, a shirt that ripped when it got caught on a nail, puts a new hem in one of the boy's Sunday pants because he's had a growth spurt, puts a new zipper in Little Miss's jacket and puts a button on a sweater. She realizes she has a bit of time before lunch and since the 2 preschoolers are so happy looking at books still, she takes the time to cut out and sew a new outfit for one of the girls.
Lunch is a simple affair. The Mom goes out to the garden just out her back kitchen door. She pulls fresh carrots, plucks ripe tomatoes and cuts off spinach and lettuce. The onions were harvested last weekend and there are a few green beans and corn on the cob left from fixing dinner the night before. The herbs have been dried and are ready to give flavor to the salad. The children tuck into their salads and a warm slice of fresh bread with gusto. When they're done, they trundle off to their beds for a nap without The Mom having to say anything.
While the children are sleeping, The Mom puts a casserole together for dear Mrs. M who has been ill. She then sits and prepares her lesson she will be teaching in Sunday School this week. She pulls visual aids from her filing cabinet and makes 40 bookmarks to hand out to the class. It's almost time for children to start returning home from school so The Mom quickly whips up a batch of chocolate chip cookies so they will be ready as soon as the children walk in the door.
The rest of the afternoon is spent helping each child with homework, kissing owies, and listening to the children rehearse what happened during their day. Dinner is made while listening to the children practice their piano and violin lessons. The Dad walks in the door from work at precisely 6pm and the whole family sits down to The Mom's well-balanced, nutritious, delicious meal.
After dinner, the dishes are quickly and cheerfully cleaned up and the family gathers in the living room for their Monday night Family Night. Little Miss gives a lesson on a Bible story, several songs are sung, scriptures read, prayers uttered all while even the youngest children sit in rapt attention.
The Mom has a surprise for everyone before saying good-night. They are going to add another child to the family!!!! The children hug and kiss their parents good-night and go directly to their beds where they fall fast asleep. The Mom and The Dad spend 20 minutes talking about their day, what they have on the schedule for the next day and where they want to go on vacation this year.
While The Dad gets ready for bed, The Mom sits down to the computer to check her email, catch up with a few friends on Facebook and write on her blog. Before getting into bed, she takes meat out of the freezer for dinner the next day, finishes the last few dishes in the sink, puts a load of laundry in the washer, folds the load that just came out of the dryer and checks her calendar to make sure she knows what is coming up the next day. At 10pm she finally enters her bedroom, sits down to write in her journal about the day, says her prayers and lays her head down to sleep. She is smiling and looks forward to the next day which is even busier than today has been with children's sports, lessons, helping in the classroom of 3 different children and, since it's Tuesday, she has her knitting to do. Her life is full and she is happy, cheerful and joyful.

Now that you've read through that, imagine trying to live up to that *EVERY*. SINGLE. DAY. *That* is what far too many Mormon women think they're supposed to be like. They think they're supposed to have perfect families, with perfect chidren who never fight or argue, perfect husbands who preside over the family firmly but silently, have every talent and use them all every single day with perfection. Too many think they are supposed to "multiply and replenish the Earth" single-handedly without thought to their own health and well-being. Serving others outside of the family is thought of as a requirement without thought to what is best for their family.
But I wonder- How much of this "perfection" is actually "posing"/"posturing"? I used to think I was such a horrible Mother and Wife because I just was not (and still am not, nor will I ever be) that picture of perfection. I had a LOT of stress, anxiety and even depression because I wasn't that perfect Mom and Wife. I remember thinking "what is so wrong with me that I don't ....... (insert activity/feeling/etc)?" I would look at other women and they seemed to have everything together, they were those perfect women. Now that I have a few years experience behind me, I know that a lot of what I thought of as "perfection" in those other women, was certainly not!! They have the same insecurities as I did/do. Their children fight and argue with each other, their days are filled with the same chaos that mine is. Some of them are better organized than I am and so have more calm but they have a lot of the same challenges I do.
Here is my confession- I do *ALL* of those things that are mentioned in the story. I even do more than that including scrap booking, beading, baking, candy making, embroidery, smocking. I even find time to read actual books!! The difference between me and The Mom, though, is that I don't try to do it all in one day!! I can go months (okay I have gone months) without touching my scrap booking. It used to stress me out to think that I was "so far behind". Well, I'll have lots of time for that some day. Just not today. I have knitting projects that were started last winter that haven't been finished. I'll get to it. Just not today. I love fresh, home made bread. I'll make some. Just not today. Or tomorrow. Or even any time soon. I will start running again. Just not today or tomorrow since the wind chill is -30!!!! I'll start in time to run the Teton Dam Marathon in June. I will volunteer in the children's classrooms. Just not today. I will do better at planning ahead. Probably not today! LOL
The scriptures tell us that there is a season to everything in life (Ecclesiastes 3). Isaiah tells us "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (40:31 KJV). What does this have to do with perfection? It tells me that waiting upon the Lord is more important than *looking* perfect to those around us. It tells me that I don't have to rely on just myself and my very human strength, that the Lord will help me if I just turn to Him. Mary Kay Ash had it right when she put her priorities as God first, Family second and encouraged everyone around her to do the same.
In the past year or so, I've let myself be imperfect without guilt. My house isn't perfectly clean. My children aren't always perfectly groomed. *I'M* not always perfectly groomed! The meals I fix aren't always perfectly balanced or nutritious (can we say cereal and milk for dinner some nights??). I'm not always perfectly achieving everything I want and need to do.
Despite that, I feel I have drawn closer to the Lord by doing better (although not perfectly) with my scripture study and prayers, listening for His Spirit to whisper guidance and counsel to me. There is a cycle in the scriptures of people being righteous and having the Lord bless them. Then they get haughty and proud and forget the Lord. Then they have trials come and eventually they remember the Lord and the cycle starts all over again. With the challenges our family has faced over the past 1 1/2 years, I wonder and worry that I am in that cycle. Am I closer to the Lord only because of our trials? Will I let myself forget to stay close to Him once He gives us blessings? I pray that I will remain close and become even closer as time goes on, through good and bad. I know perfection is something I need to work towards. I know that eventually we will all be perfected in Him. Just not today. And tomorrow isn't looking so good, either. It's okay. The only pressure we should have is to do better tomorrow than we have done today. If we just do that, we'll make it.

Background

I logged on this morning and saw the background full-size for the 1st time (I wrote last night from my iPad).  The photo looks just like Afghanistan!!!  Minus the big bus that is hidden behind the text but, hey, who sees that anyway?  I picked the background because it was titled "Travel".  Kind of funny in an ironic way.
Be back later!

On our own. Again.

Here I sit, at 11pm on a Sunday night. I should be asleep already but Brian left today and my mind is racing, trying to figure out *how* I'm going to do 16 weeks this time around instead of just 12!! Especially with what the next 16 weeks have in store!! Our oldest is supposed to be graduating from high school at the end of the 16 weeks. I'm still not sure if he's going to have the grades to do it. He's also "this close" to getting his Eagle Scout award and I can't seem to get any answers as to what he still needs to do for that. Then there's the other 4 children who all have their own issues and challenges.
If you're new to our family, let me introduce us and maybe all of that will make more sense! I'm Jane, my husband is Brian. We've been married for 19 years and have 5 children- 4 of our own and one foster child we hope to adopt this year. Brian has been an electrician for most of our married life and had his own company for 5 years. When the economy took a nose-dive, the business just dried up and left us without work and without income. Brian did small, service jobs for 7 months while looking for something more permanent. That something came in May 2010. He was offered a 6-week job for an obscene amount of money. The only hitch- the job was in Afghanistan. Yep, he took it. It was work and we were/still are grateful for it. That company turned out to be a nightmare to work for and the 6 weeks turned into 12 very long, very stressful weeks. When he finally came home, he spent another 2 months trying to find work closer to home.
Brian was offered a permanent job as a project manager in October 2010. The pay was good, the hours were long and the location was not so close to home. Once again, he went to Afghanistan.
This time, we knew it was for 12 weeks. The schedule is 12 weeks on the job, 3 weeks on leave/holiday/vacation (depends on who you're talking to as to what you call it). Hence the web address for the blog. He works for a British company working on a military base in Afghanistan. Brian works with an array of nationalities- British, Australian, Nepalese, Filipino, Iraqui, American, and I don't know how many others!
I'm left here at home, with 5 children to take care of, in a community that has many, many good things about it but has no clue how to deal with those of us who have spouses that are absent. We're not technically single parents but we are in reality. One neighbor I have freaks out if her husband has to be gone overnight. And there just isn't a whole lot of support at all. Above mentioned neighbor also didn't know Brian was gone last go-around until about 8 weeks into his absence. Anyway............
Because of our oldest son's impending release from the torture of high school, Brian will be extending his time over there so that his holiday coincides with the glorious celebration that is graduation. That's why the 16 weeks instead of the 12. If he came home on the 12 week schedule, he would go back just before graduation. Not such a good idea.
There are lots of good things about Brian's job- #1 being that he has a job!!! We can pay rent, buy groceries, pay the utilities, we'll be completely out of debt by March of next year (including those pesky student loans that have been hanging around our necks like millstones for far too many years!!), we'll be able to save up for a down-payment on property and a house, we'll be completely debt-free, it's a job, we can pay........ oh wait, I'm repeating myself. That's because it's such a huge deal!!! We don't have a LOT of debt. Just some stupid choices I made a few years back. Stupid because I knew at the time it was a bad decision but I decided to do it anyway. Lesson learned, cards cut up, accounts closed, won't EVER happen again.
Well, there it is. The first post with way too many confessions to begin a blog with. :-) I'm not perfect and I'll probably use this blog to complain about things. But where else can I do it??? I'll try to remember to write the good things in life, too.