How do you know if one particular moment in your life is going to be *that* moment that will change your life forever? Usually we don't. We look back and say "aahhhh.... yes, that was the moment I changed". So, will I look back a year from now, 5 years, 10 years, and say "yep, that's the moment."? I don't know but I hope so.
My day started by getting up far too early for a Saturday!! I even showered, put on nylons, a skirt, shirt and high heels, did my make-up and my hair and was out the door just after 9am. What in the world could do that?? An invitation to listen and learn from our beloved General Relief Society President Julie B. Beck. The invitation was open to all women and young women ages 16 and older in 46 Stakes in our Region. To come and be edified and uplifted. To learn and to grow. I am so grateful that I accepted that invitation. I almost didn't. It's Saturday and it's usually my don't-get-out-of-my-pajamas-until-noon-or-later day. But I decided this invitation was far more important than the invitation from my cozy, warm bed. :-)
I didn't know what the format for the meeting was to be. I thought we would have a few speakers, a few musical numbers and be done. Instead, we had the opportunity to ask questions and get answers. Anyone could go up to the microphone and ask a question. The questions asked were all very good. I thought at first that some of them didn't apply to me because they were aimed at other demographics (single women, single moms, latinas, etc.). But as I listened to Sister Beck's replies, I learned something from every single one.
The most important one for me today (and who knows, a different question might have caught my attention more on a different day) was "how do we find balance between our spiritual and temporal lives?" It's a question I've asked myself many times and part of my searching that I've been doing lately. Sister Beck's answer was fairly long but the main point was that we need to prioritize. Scripture study, prayers, temple attendance, etc. are essential. There are things we have to do like cook, clean, taxi, etc. And then there are nice, fun things like reading a book, working on a hobby, etc. We need to put the essential things first, and do the things we have to do, then we will find time to do the nice things. And we will find balance. I've been very out of balance lately. Since about Christmas time. It's time to get back into balance. She said your personal best is acceptable to the Lord. He knows what our desires are and what we can do.
One of the other things she said, in reply to a different question, is to have joy in this life. FIND the joy despite the challenges we face. I've heard that said before. But today it struck my heart. When I came home, I was able to find joy in a place I've never found it before- housework. ***Confession time**** I have realized over the past few weeks that I actually don't mind doing the housework as much as I moan and groan about it. I like having a clean house (who doesn't???) and I don't mind doing up the dishes or picking up a bit after the kids sometimes. I do mind that work being undone so quickly, though!! :-) So when I needed to help my youngest clean up her room, I purposely found joy in it. And I pointed out to my daughter how nice it was to have such a clean room. I will try to continue to do that so my children don't think of it as drudgery.
Another question was "how do I know what the Lord wants me to do with my talents when I've been working for so long on achieving specific things?" Or in other words "Am I going in the right direction with my talents or does God have a different plan for me?" This is one I struggle with sometimes. I do a LOT of things. The Lord has blessed me with many talents. I struggle because I want to share my talents with others and I'm not often given that opportunity. Sister Beck said that sometimes our greatest trials in life will come from wanting to use our talents in a way that is different from the Lord's plan. We need to improve our talents and seek the Lord's will through prayer as to how He wants us to use them. He owns our talents, He is the one who gave those talents to us. If we seek His will, we will know where we can best use the talents we have been given.
Right now, I am using my talent for sewing to make aprons. Strange, you might think. Every year our Relief Society has a service auction. We offer certain services up for bid and people use "money" they have earned by the services they have performed over the past month or so and by having done other things like saying personal prayers, scripture study, etc. It's always a ton of fun!! I taught a class on basic apron sewing a few weeks ago. It was a big enough hit that I decided to make some aprons for the service auction. So I'm using my talent to make something as a service to someone else. To me, it's a very small thing. I love to sew, I'm pretty good at it (30+ years experience will do that for you!) and it doesn't take long to whip up some really cute aprons!! But to someone else who doesn't know how to sew or doesn't have the time or resources, it might be a big thing!
There was so much more that I can't possibly put it all in a blog post!! I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to go and participate in this conference!!! I needed to hear so many of the things that were said! I will do my best to make sure it is one of those life changing experiences!!!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Why did I have Children???
This is actually a question one of my friends on FaceBook posted last week. It got me thinking. And thinking and thinking some more!! And I still don't know if I have the actual answer yet.
Why did I want children to begin with? Well, that's just what you do, right? You grow up, you get married, you have children, you get old, you get grandchildren, you die. Having grown up in the Church, it was also something drilled into us- multiply and replenish the Earth (although you con't have to do it all by yourself as my parents tried to do. LOL).
We were ecstatic when we first found out we were expecting our oldest. Then reality and the puking kicked in!! It was not a pleasant pregnancy to say the least. Okay, it was horrible, awful, terrible. I HATED being pregnant. But delivery and recovery were fairly a breeze so that kind of made up for it. Oh, but I did get to be in the hospital 3 times during pregnancy, got jabbed by all those needles by nurses trying to get an IV started in dehydrated veins. Yeah, that memory still isn't gone 18 years later.
A year and a half or so after that, we started thinking about a 2nd one. I mean, goodness, pregnancy couldn't possibly be *that* bad every time. right? Much to our dismay and sorrow, we waited and waited and waited for that pink line to show up. It finally did one Tuesday afternoon, more than 2 years later. We were thrilled. I announced it to the world. Then just a few short days later, devastation followed when I miscarried. I couldn't understand why God would let it take sooooooo long to have another child and then snatch it away. Thankfully, those thoughts didn't last long. I knew it was irrational and put it aside. 4 months later, we found out I was pregnant again. Our 2nd son was born that year after an almost equally horrific pregnancy and a much more difficult delivery (what do you expect when the baby is 9# 11oz???). Recovery seemed okay at first but some complications set in. That was "fun".
For some reason, it wasn't enough, though. We started wanting another!! Before our 3rd was born, we again dealt with infertility. And on top of that, I went through an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy that ruptured and required emergency surgery. Despite that, our 3rd son was born almost exactly one year later. That pregnancy wasn't nearly as awful, almost okay, even. Delivery and recovery were a breeze!! Almost 3 years after his birth, we thought it was time for yet another one. We figured it would take at least a year given our history. Imagine our surprise, one month later, when we found out we were expecting our 4th child!! Not a bit of infertility. But the puking returned and on top of that, I got DVT (blood clots). A month of bed rest and 2X daily injections of blood thinners (which I got to give myself!!) seemed to take care of the problem and the rest of the pregnancy was actually quite easy. My Dr., who attends our Church and believes in big families (*IF* the mother's health permits), told me I shouldn't have more due to possible death from complications of another blood clot. Yeah, I'm not interested in dying quite this young and leaving 4 children behind. I would also have to be on blood thinners again for the entire pregnancy. It was $35,000 just for the 7 months of injections!!! After a lot of prayer and thought, we decided that we would not have more and the Dr. performed surgery.
So, now that you have that fascinating history, why did you need to know it??? I guess to show the contrast between what happened and what I'm thinking. We went through so much to get several of our children into our family. Why? What made us willing to go through that?
I love my children. There is no doubt about that. There are some days, however, that I don't like them much. When they're whiny, arguing with each other, arguing with ME, giving me stress about school work, etc., etc., etc. I've said before on this blog, I'm a rather selfish person some days and that isn't really conducive to being a good Mom. I'm no longer interested in being Mother of the Year. I just want my children to grow up, be productive citizens, have good lives and leave home.
Wow, that was blunt. I'm in a mood tonight.
Last month I had an interesting dream. I don't have realistic dreams very often. They are usually quite clearly dreams, imaginings of a partly deranged mind. But this dream was different. It wasn't that weird stuff. It was rational and very life-like. And I was pregnant. ugh. I also usually don't remember dreams too well. This one was very clear long after I woke up. And still is today. I thought a lot about that dream and wondered if it meant something. Because the last time I dreamed like that (almost 14 years ago) *was* a message, I decided to pay attention. I had a few conversations with God. In the end, I told Him "Thy will be done". I was willing to go through pregnancy despite knowing how horrible it could be and what complications could arise. I am still thankful that it was just a dream and I am NOT adding another child to the family. :-) Maybe it was enough to be willing. I don't know. I'm rambling again. Why in the world would I want to have another child??? I'm not doing so great with the ones I already have. I'm trying to be better. Not sure how well I'm succeeding. I'm sure my children will let me know once they've grown up.
I don't regret having children. Not for a single millisecond!!!!! I know they are all meant to be part of my family. Even our nephew. We hope to adopt him this summer. Then he'll truly be ours!! Is it getting older that makes my mind wander to thinking about wanting more? Is it because I can't? Is it just a slow deterioration of my already weak mind? I don't know. I really, truly don't have an answer to the questions. I don't know if it was just nature that makes us want to procreate and further the species. Maybe it was some innate knowledge that God wants us to have families. Maybe I was delusional and thought I could do things sooooooooooo much better than my parents. Yeah, that's funny. I know I'm doing some things differently that needed to be changed but I also know that there are some things from childhood that just get ingrained and they become part of who you are. I also know that I share some of the same mental issues my Mom's family has and that has certainly effected my ability to be that "perfect" Mom. There are so many things I do know. I know God wants us to be a family and to be happy. I know it was a good choice to have children. I know I will get through their growing-up years in one piece (even if I have to duct-tape them!!!). The one thing I still don't know, though, is the answer to that question-
Why did I have children???
Why did I want children to begin with? Well, that's just what you do, right? You grow up, you get married, you have children, you get old, you get grandchildren, you die. Having grown up in the Church, it was also something drilled into us- multiply and replenish the Earth (although you con't have to do it all by yourself as my parents tried to do. LOL).
We were ecstatic when we first found out we were expecting our oldest. Then reality and the puking kicked in!! It was not a pleasant pregnancy to say the least. Okay, it was horrible, awful, terrible. I HATED being pregnant. But delivery and recovery were fairly a breeze so that kind of made up for it. Oh, but I did get to be in the hospital 3 times during pregnancy, got jabbed by all those needles by nurses trying to get an IV started in dehydrated veins. Yeah, that memory still isn't gone 18 years later.
A year and a half or so after that, we started thinking about a 2nd one. I mean, goodness, pregnancy couldn't possibly be *that* bad every time. right? Much to our dismay and sorrow, we waited and waited and waited for that pink line to show up. It finally did one Tuesday afternoon, more than 2 years later. We were thrilled. I announced it to the world. Then just a few short days later, devastation followed when I miscarried. I couldn't understand why God would let it take sooooooo long to have another child and then snatch it away. Thankfully, those thoughts didn't last long. I knew it was irrational and put it aside. 4 months later, we found out I was pregnant again. Our 2nd son was born that year after an almost equally horrific pregnancy and a much more difficult delivery (what do you expect when the baby is 9# 11oz???). Recovery seemed okay at first but some complications set in. That was "fun".
For some reason, it wasn't enough, though. We started wanting another!! Before our 3rd was born, we again dealt with infertility. And on top of that, I went through an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy that ruptured and required emergency surgery. Despite that, our 3rd son was born almost exactly one year later. That pregnancy wasn't nearly as awful, almost okay, even. Delivery and recovery were a breeze!! Almost 3 years after his birth, we thought it was time for yet another one. We figured it would take at least a year given our history. Imagine our surprise, one month later, when we found out we were expecting our 4th child!! Not a bit of infertility. But the puking returned and on top of that, I got DVT (blood clots). A month of bed rest and 2X daily injections of blood thinners (which I got to give myself!!) seemed to take care of the problem and the rest of the pregnancy was actually quite easy. My Dr., who attends our Church and believes in big families (*IF* the mother's health permits), told me I shouldn't have more due to possible death from complications of another blood clot. Yeah, I'm not interested in dying quite this young and leaving 4 children behind. I would also have to be on blood thinners again for the entire pregnancy. It was $35,000 just for the 7 months of injections!!! After a lot of prayer and thought, we decided that we would not have more and the Dr. performed surgery.
So, now that you have that fascinating history, why did you need to know it??? I guess to show the contrast between what happened and what I'm thinking. We went through so much to get several of our children into our family. Why? What made us willing to go through that?
I love my children. There is no doubt about that. There are some days, however, that I don't like them much. When they're whiny, arguing with each other, arguing with ME, giving me stress about school work, etc., etc., etc. I've said before on this blog, I'm a rather selfish person some days and that isn't really conducive to being a good Mom. I'm no longer interested in being Mother of the Year. I just want my children to grow up, be productive citizens, have good lives and leave home.
Wow, that was blunt. I'm in a mood tonight.
Last month I had an interesting dream. I don't have realistic dreams very often. They are usually quite clearly dreams, imaginings of a partly deranged mind. But this dream was different. It wasn't that weird stuff. It was rational and very life-like. And I was pregnant. ugh. I also usually don't remember dreams too well. This one was very clear long after I woke up. And still is today. I thought a lot about that dream and wondered if it meant something. Because the last time I dreamed like that (almost 14 years ago) *was* a message, I decided to pay attention. I had a few conversations with God. In the end, I told Him "Thy will be done". I was willing to go through pregnancy despite knowing how horrible it could be and what complications could arise. I am still thankful that it was just a dream and I am NOT adding another child to the family. :-) Maybe it was enough to be willing. I don't know. I'm rambling again. Why in the world would I want to have another child??? I'm not doing so great with the ones I already have. I'm trying to be better. Not sure how well I'm succeeding. I'm sure my children will let me know once they've grown up.
I don't regret having children. Not for a single millisecond!!!!! I know they are all meant to be part of my family. Even our nephew. We hope to adopt him this summer. Then he'll truly be ours!! Is it getting older that makes my mind wander to thinking about wanting more? Is it because I can't? Is it just a slow deterioration of my already weak mind? I don't know. I really, truly don't have an answer to the questions. I don't know if it was just nature that makes us want to procreate and further the species. Maybe it was some innate knowledge that God wants us to have families. Maybe I was delusional and thought I could do things sooooooooooo much better than my parents. Yeah, that's funny. I know I'm doing some things differently that needed to be changed but I also know that there are some things from childhood that just get ingrained and they become part of who you are. I also know that I share some of the same mental issues my Mom's family has and that has certainly effected my ability to be that "perfect" Mom. There are so many things I do know. I know God wants us to be a family and to be happy. I know it was a good choice to have children. I know I will get through their growing-up years in one piece (even if I have to duct-tape them!!!). The one thing I still don't know, though, is the answer to that question-
Why did I have children???
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| I have to admit, we made some pretty good looking kids!!! |
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Happy Anniversary??
Today is our 19th Wedding Anniversary. It's the first time we've been apart on our anniversary and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's great (especially in this day and age) that we've made it this long! With Brian gone, it just hasn't seemed like anything special, though. It's just been another day. A day that I haven't felt well and slept most of the afternoon. A day where I had leftovers for dinner with the children. A day that looks just like the others before. A day that won't be much different from the ones to follow.
In the back of my mind, I was hoping that maybe Brian set something special up while he was home last month and maybe there would be a knock on the door with some sort of delivery. I know that is beyond wild imagining because I've lived with the man for 19 years!!! I usually do something special for him, too, but didn't have the opportunity. The package I meant to send last week wouldn't have gotten there in time and it's still sitting on my counter waiting to be filled the rest of the way. My Mom and Dad sent a gift card to a restaurant. I almost took myself to lunch with it but just wasn't feeling up to it. I went home after taking the twins to kindergarten and fell asleep instead.
I did have a chance to talk to Brian this morning and wish him a Happy Anniversary. Sadly, his day was not good at all. He's had stress at work and they also had a memorial service for one of the Marines who was a member of the Branch who died out on duty. It was a hard day for him. Nothing really happy about it.
<sigh> Next year doesn't look good, either, despite it being the big 2-0. We know he will still be working over there and we know the approximate dates of his time off and they don't come anywhere near our anniversary. Rationally, I don't think I should be this upset about it. I've known for months that this is how it would be. And yet, I am.
Here are some photos to give you a glimpse of our wedding day!! I'm going to post more on my Facebook page if you're interested. :-) I had to take photos of these that are in my scrapbook as we didn't have digital back then!!!
In the back of my mind, I was hoping that maybe Brian set something special up while he was home last month and maybe there would be a knock on the door with some sort of delivery. I know that is beyond wild imagining because I've lived with the man for 19 years!!! I usually do something special for him, too, but didn't have the opportunity. The package I meant to send last week wouldn't have gotten there in time and it's still sitting on my counter waiting to be filled the rest of the way. My Mom and Dad sent a gift card to a restaurant. I almost took myself to lunch with it but just wasn't feeling up to it. I went home after taking the twins to kindergarten and fell asleep instead.
I did have a chance to talk to Brian this morning and wish him a Happy Anniversary. Sadly, his day was not good at all. He's had stress at work and they also had a memorial service for one of the Marines who was a member of the Branch who died out on duty. It was a hard day for him. Nothing really happy about it.
<sigh> Next year doesn't look good, either, despite it being the big 2-0. We know he will still be working over there and we know the approximate dates of his time off and they don't come anywhere near our anniversary. Rationally, I don't think I should be this upset about it. I've known for months that this is how it would be. And yet, I am.
Here are some photos to give you a glimpse of our wedding day!! I'm going to post more on my Facebook page if you're interested. :-) I had to take photos of these that are in my scrapbook as we didn't have digital back then!!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Siblings
I have a LOT of siblings. And then I have siblings-in-law. :-) My children have siblings and my husband has siblings. If I've counted right, I have 17 siblings/siblings-in-law (8 siblings & 9 in-laws).
I got to thinking about all of this after talking to one of my sisters this morning.Growing up, I *hated* having such a big family. It was the source of much harassment from people outside the family. At the same time, I *loved* having siblings so close in age. I almost always had someone to play with and hang out with.
There is 17 years between the oldest and youngest. The biggest gap between children is 4 years. The smallest is 15 months (if I've figured it correctly). There are the "older" kids and the "younger" kids. There were *huge* differences in how the family functioned through the years. With the "older" kids, things were chaos, strict, not always very happy. Along side that, we had family prayer *every*. *single*. *day*. Mornings- Dad woke us up and we were expected to be in the living room by 6:30 for family prayer. It was a good habit! And with only 1 bathroom and 11 people, getting up 2 hours before school was necessary if you were going to get ready in time!! Evenings- Unless you were gone for sports or other school activity, you were expected to be home and in the living room for family prayer. Since I am in the "older" bracket, I can only go on what I've been told happened after I left home. According to several siblings, family prayers stopped sometime soon after the 3 oldest left home. Things smoothed out and lessened as far as the strictness and chaos around that time, too. 2 or 3 years after I left, our parents had a turning point in their marriage and things got a lot better between them as well as with the children still at home. To a point. One sibling has reported having no good memories of childhood. That sibling is in the "younger" group and I haven't been particularly close with them.
And that is one of my biggest regrets. I've not taken the time to become closer to all of my younger siblings. I think part of it is that I had a lot of resentment because, as the oldest girl in the family, I felt a LOT of burden of responsibility growing up. Leaving for college was a release. I only had myself to think about. It was something I had never experienced before. With 6 younger siblings, the next in age being almost 3 years younger than me, and a Mom who worked outside the home, I changed a LOT of diapers, made dozens of dinners and spent a lot of hours babysitting for free. I was resentful that I was expected to take on all that instead of being a child. It wasn't my siblings fault, but I think my relationship with them was different than it could have been.
I do have great memories from childhood. We almost always cut down our own Christmas tree and there was one year that we took our old-style, metal runner sleds up with us. While Mom drove the van with everyone else, Dad and my oldest brother got on the sled and rode down the mountain road. It looked like so much fun to do!! And we had fun just watching them! Then there was the wrestling. I know this is going to sound weird but........... Some nights, when we were kneeling down for prayer, one of us kids would come up behind Dad (who was already kneeling) and tackle him. Then everyone else would join in and it would become one big wrestling match. It was fun. It's a good memory.
I noticed a lot of changes over the years after I left home. When I would go back to visit, there were certainly changes in the rules. The younger siblings got away with things we older ones wouldn't have thought of doing for fear of punishment! I don't know if it was a mellowing with age, being tired of keeping up the intensity, realizing some things just weren't working or just being worn down but my parents parenting style changed dramatically (and so has mine over the years so............... I'm not saying it's bad, it just is).
All of these thoughts have led to thinking about my own children and how they interact with one another. I know they are pretty typical children. They get along great one minute and then are throwing punches the next. If your children aren't like that, you're lucky. Our children are quite spread apart in ages. They are 4.5, 4 and 3.3 years apart. We wanted them closer but the Lord knew what He was doing when He made us wait!!! It's good to have a sane Mother. From the beginning, Brandon has acted very much like the oldest. He's a great kid. He'll work hard when he has to, generally shows proper respect, helps out a LOT. I have tried to be very careful over the years to not expect him to do my job. I think he's changed maybe 2 or 3 diapers in his life!! And once he actually asked if he could. But he was 5 or 6 and didn't know any better. LOL When Jonah came along, Brandon was very helpful and loved doing things for/with his brother. Then with Ronan, he was 8. When Isabeau came along, he was almost 12. He has been a huge help and with Brian gone, I do worry about asking too much of him now that he's 17, has a driver's license and a vehicle to drive.
As I've watched over the years, my children are a lot like me and my youngest siblings. They occupy the same house but they are in such different stages of life that they have little in common. I wanted my children closer in age because of my relationship with my brother just older than me. We are 18 months apart in age and I was always closest to him. He was my protector in many ways (and I'm still sorry about that bloody nose I gave him when I purposely hit him with a shoe). I wanted my children to have that closeness. But it wasn't to be.
One of the greatest things about growing up and leaving home is that my siblings all did, too!!!! As we've gotten older, our relationships have changed. My oldest brother and I actually like each other (most days) which was utterly unthinkable while growing up. I have grown closer to several of my youngest siblings while my relationship with my "older" siblings have slackened. I truly want to live closer to more of my siblings (but I refuse to move to Utah unless the Lord, Himself tells me to!!). When it comes right down to it, your family is all you have and all you take with you into the next life. Your house doesn't matter, your car, your "things", your status in the community, even your "status" in the Church, none of that matters. My Uncle Wally described our family as being like chain-maille, we're all connected together in a mesh. Take one ring out of that and it starts to fall apart. When in-laws are added into the family, it should *add* to the chain-maille, not take a ring (sibling) out of that mesh. Then you add our children to that and the mesh becomes bigger and stronger, more able to withstand the attacks of the outside world.
I've watched my Dad's family fall apart over the years. I don't know why or exactly when it started but it was evidently long before I was born. Over the years, he and his siblings have grown further and further apart. To the point that when one of my cousins passed away, we didn't find out until 2 weeks later!! After Grandma and Grandpa were gone, pretty much all contact was cut off. I certainly don't want that to happen with me and my siblings. When good things happen, when tragedy happens (because it will), I want to be one of the first people they think about calling. I want to be there for them through it all. I'm still working on how to make sure I encourage that kind of relationship to grow. I know with a few of my siblings, I have that kind of relationship. Now I just have to work on the others!
I got to thinking about all of this after talking to one of my sisters this morning.Growing up, I *hated* having such a big family. It was the source of much harassment from people outside the family. At the same time, I *loved* having siblings so close in age. I almost always had someone to play with and hang out with.
There is 17 years between the oldest and youngest. The biggest gap between children is 4 years. The smallest is 15 months (if I've figured it correctly). There are the "older" kids and the "younger" kids. There were *huge* differences in how the family functioned through the years. With the "older" kids, things were chaos, strict, not always very happy. Along side that, we had family prayer *every*. *single*. *day*. Mornings- Dad woke us up and we were expected to be in the living room by 6:30 for family prayer. It was a good habit! And with only 1 bathroom and 11 people, getting up 2 hours before school was necessary if you were going to get ready in time!! Evenings- Unless you were gone for sports or other school activity, you were expected to be home and in the living room for family prayer. Since I am in the "older" bracket, I can only go on what I've been told happened after I left home. According to several siblings, family prayers stopped sometime soon after the 3 oldest left home. Things smoothed out and lessened as far as the strictness and chaos around that time, too. 2 or 3 years after I left, our parents had a turning point in their marriage and things got a lot better between them as well as with the children still at home. To a point. One sibling has reported having no good memories of childhood. That sibling is in the "younger" group and I haven't been particularly close with them.
And that is one of my biggest regrets. I've not taken the time to become closer to all of my younger siblings. I think part of it is that I had a lot of resentment because, as the oldest girl in the family, I felt a LOT of burden of responsibility growing up. Leaving for college was a release. I only had myself to think about. It was something I had never experienced before. With 6 younger siblings, the next in age being almost 3 years younger than me, and a Mom who worked outside the home, I changed a LOT of diapers, made dozens of dinners and spent a lot of hours babysitting for free. I was resentful that I was expected to take on all that instead of being a child. It wasn't my siblings fault, but I think my relationship with them was different than it could have been.
I do have great memories from childhood. We almost always cut down our own Christmas tree and there was one year that we took our old-style, metal runner sleds up with us. While Mom drove the van with everyone else, Dad and my oldest brother got on the sled and rode down the mountain road. It looked like so much fun to do!! And we had fun just watching them! Then there was the wrestling. I know this is going to sound weird but........... Some nights, when we were kneeling down for prayer, one of us kids would come up behind Dad (who was already kneeling) and tackle him. Then everyone else would join in and it would become one big wrestling match. It was fun. It's a good memory.
I noticed a lot of changes over the years after I left home. When I would go back to visit, there were certainly changes in the rules. The younger siblings got away with things we older ones wouldn't have thought of doing for fear of punishment! I don't know if it was a mellowing with age, being tired of keeping up the intensity, realizing some things just weren't working or just being worn down but my parents parenting style changed dramatically (and so has mine over the years so............... I'm not saying it's bad, it just is).
All of these thoughts have led to thinking about my own children and how they interact with one another. I know they are pretty typical children. They get along great one minute and then are throwing punches the next. If your children aren't like that, you're lucky. Our children are quite spread apart in ages. They are 4.5, 4 and 3.3 years apart. We wanted them closer but the Lord knew what He was doing when He made us wait!!! It's good to have a sane Mother. From the beginning, Brandon has acted very much like the oldest. He's a great kid. He'll work hard when he has to, generally shows proper respect, helps out a LOT. I have tried to be very careful over the years to not expect him to do my job. I think he's changed maybe 2 or 3 diapers in his life!! And once he actually asked if he could. But he was 5 or 6 and didn't know any better. LOL When Jonah came along, Brandon was very helpful and loved doing things for/with his brother. Then with Ronan, he was 8. When Isabeau came along, he was almost 12. He has been a huge help and with Brian gone, I do worry about asking too much of him now that he's 17, has a driver's license and a vehicle to drive.
As I've watched over the years, my children are a lot like me and my youngest siblings. They occupy the same house but they are in such different stages of life that they have little in common. I wanted my children closer in age because of my relationship with my brother just older than me. We are 18 months apart in age and I was always closest to him. He was my protector in many ways (and I'm still sorry about that bloody nose I gave him when I purposely hit him with a shoe). I wanted my children to have that closeness. But it wasn't to be.
One of the greatest things about growing up and leaving home is that my siblings all did, too!!!! As we've gotten older, our relationships have changed. My oldest brother and I actually like each other (most days) which was utterly unthinkable while growing up. I have grown closer to several of my youngest siblings while my relationship with my "older" siblings have slackened. I truly want to live closer to more of my siblings (but I refuse to move to Utah unless the Lord, Himself tells me to!!). When it comes right down to it, your family is all you have and all you take with you into the next life. Your house doesn't matter, your car, your "things", your status in the community, even your "status" in the Church, none of that matters. My Uncle Wally described our family as being like chain-maille, we're all connected together in a mesh. Take one ring out of that and it starts to fall apart. When in-laws are added into the family, it should *add* to the chain-maille, not take a ring (sibling) out of that mesh. Then you add our children to that and the mesh becomes bigger and stronger, more able to withstand the attacks of the outside world.
I've watched my Dad's family fall apart over the years. I don't know why or exactly when it started but it was evidently long before I was born. Over the years, he and his siblings have grown further and further apart. To the point that when one of my cousins passed away, we didn't find out until 2 weeks later!! After Grandma and Grandpa were gone, pretty much all contact was cut off. I certainly don't want that to happen with me and my siblings. When good things happen, when tragedy happens (because it will), I want to be one of the first people they think about calling. I want to be there for them through it all. I'm still working on how to make sure I encourage that kind of relationship to grow. I know with a few of my siblings, I have that kind of relationship. Now I just have to work on the others!
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Conqueror!!
I. Am. A Genius!!!!! hahahaha That was supposed to be funny. I guess you would have to hear me say it to understand. Anyway............ I have conquered the boondoggle!!!!!!! I sat down to teach the children how to make them (I have about 50 of them to make for the veterans and really don't want to do it alone) this morning. I worked and worked and worked until I figured out how to get it started!! Okay, so I'm exaggerating. It wasn't that difficult. I'm pretty good at figuring stuff like that out. I just need time and patience. The 2 youngest were the first in line to be taught. The older boys learned how to make them at Scout camp at some point in the past and weren't interested in helping too much. I got twin #1 started. His hands aren't as capable as they will be in years to come and it was a bit difficult for him to hold all of the pieces in the right place and pass the strings through the right place. He kept trying, though, and got a few rounds done. Twin #2 is definitely my daughter!! She caught on right away and was able to make her hands hold everything and get it going pretty well. But being 5 years old, neither of their attentions were held for very long and I was once again left to clean up.
We'll see how long it takes to get these all finished!!!
We'll see how long it takes to get these all finished!!!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Technology, Communication and Callings
I love technology!! And I hate technology. I love the convenience but I hate that I'm so tied to it. I did it to myself so I won't complain much. I love that I can get on Skype and send Brian a text message any time I need/want to. I try not to do it in the middle of the day since being woken up in the middle of his night by a message would probably freak him out! I also love that I can use Skype to call his cell phone. I love that from time to time we can even get enough of an internet connection to actually video call on Skype. Okay, maybe it's just Skype that I love, not technology in general. LOL
I've thought a lot about communications in the past 9 months. I wonder how it was for my grandparent's generation to have to wait months and months to receive letters from loved ones off at war. And then, when you did get something, it was probably cut to shreds by the censors unless the soldier had been incredibly careful about what they wrote.
I've thought about how much communications have changed in just the last 20 years. When Brian and I met 19 years ago, we could call on the phone but it was quite an expensive, long-distance call. All we had were land lines. The 1st month after we met, he was in Oregon and I was in Idaho. We each had a $600 phone bill because you paid for each and every minute you were on the phone. Nothing like the unlimited minutes plan we have now for well under $100!! We realized very quickly that we couldn't afford to continue that! So we wrote letters. Actual letters that got addressed, a stamp put on the envelope and put in a mail box to be collected by a mailman. We each wrote several letters every week for about 10 weeks. We still have all of those letters and they are a precious reminder of our courtship and a history of how we got to know each other so well in so short of a span of time.
Now, today, a lot of the communication that takes place has been reduced to text messages that hardly resemble the English language. Many articles have been written on the demise of actual communication and many agonize over the lack of inter-personal relationships because technology has taken the place of face-to-face communication. Is it all bad? No, I don't think so. Our ability to communicate with someone isn't dependent on either face-to-face or technology-aided contact. It's dependent on our willingness to communicate.
Now, stay with me because I'm going to seemingly go off on a totally different tangent. Brian sent me a very significant email this afternoon. We have discussed many times over the past 9 months why the Lord has put us on this path. It's not an easy one!! If I had my choice, I wouldn't choose to have my husband that I love so dearly (and actually still like, too!) be literally on the other side of the world for 12 weeks at a time. I would choose for him to be home, helping me raise our children, being by my side through all the ups and downs that life brings. In every discussion, we always come back to the fact that we KNOW God is directing our paths. He has a plan for us and even though we don't know every detail of that plan, we know we are in His hands and He is guiding us. In our Church, we have no paid clergy. All positions, leadership, teachers, librarians, everything, are filled voluntarily by members of the congregation. There is a small congregation at the base Brian is working on. He was asked last Fall to fill one of the leadership positions. In our vernacular, he was the 2nd counselor in the Branch Presidency. In normal situations, a person would be interviewed in person by a Stake President and during that interview the call would be extended and accepted. Being in AFG is not a normal situation! LOL Brian's interview was conducted by email. A list of questions was sent and, after filling out the answers, it was returned. Then another email arrived and he was asked to serve.
When he was at home on leave, another email arrived. It was again from the District President and was very similar (if not exactly the same) as the previous interview email. Brian again filled out the answers and returned it. This afternoon, Brian forwarded the 2nd email to me. He has been called as the Branch President of the Leatherneck Military Branch. For those unfamiliar with "Mormonisms", the titles Pastor, Father, Bishop or other similar titles would be the equivalent. He will have the responsibility of watching over the members of the congregation, assisting them wherever possible, counseling them, hearing their confessions, scheduling the Sunday meetings and doing whatever else he is guided to do by the Lord. Even as I type this, I'm overwhelmed by it all! I truly wish I was there with him to be the helpmeet a wife is meant to be. I wish I could do more than pray even more fervently for him. I know this will be a challenge for him. He is a good leader. He inspires others and people naturally are drawn to him. We've joked for years that he should have been a professional counselor because people just gravitate to him and are comfortable spilling everything to him! He truly knows how to communicate. We believe that part of the reason God has lead us in this path is so Brian can be in this position to do God's work.
Now let's see if I can tie this all together. I firmly believe that God has had a hand in the rapid development of technology. He uses it for His purposes whether it is to bring 2 people together (like my brother and sister-in-law who met online), to broadcast the words of a living prophet to all the world, or to call an obscure electrician to be the branch president in a remote corner of the world where our Church probably hadn't even been heard of until foreign armies arrived. Technology has enabled the Word to be taken to the farthest reaches of our planet. It has allowed people to have His word that wouldn't have otherwise through advances in translation, printing and availability of media such as dvds and the internet.
I love technology for the good that it brings to the world and, more specifically, to my life. I love it for the ability I have to be close to my husband despite the actual miles that separate us. I love it for the ability I have to find old friends and meet new friends. I love that I have sciptures at my fingertips on my iPad along with my hymnbook and lesson manuals for my Primary class. I love that I can download books to my heart's content to keep at my fingertips for when I have a few minutes. I love that I can keep all my photos handy and relatively safe. And I love so many more things about technology!!! I'm so grateful to be living in this time and this place where God has blessed us with these things to help us further His purposes. There is no doubt that God is leading, guiding and planning our path. May He also bless us that we will recognize and remain on that path always!!!
I've thought a lot about communications in the past 9 months. I wonder how it was for my grandparent's generation to have to wait months and months to receive letters from loved ones off at war. And then, when you did get something, it was probably cut to shreds by the censors unless the soldier had been incredibly careful about what they wrote.
I've thought about how much communications have changed in just the last 20 years. When Brian and I met 19 years ago, we could call on the phone but it was quite an expensive, long-distance call. All we had were land lines. The 1st month after we met, he was in Oregon and I was in Idaho. We each had a $600 phone bill because you paid for each and every minute you were on the phone. Nothing like the unlimited minutes plan we have now for well under $100!! We realized very quickly that we couldn't afford to continue that! So we wrote letters. Actual letters that got addressed, a stamp put on the envelope and put in a mail box to be collected by a mailman. We each wrote several letters every week for about 10 weeks. We still have all of those letters and they are a precious reminder of our courtship and a history of how we got to know each other so well in so short of a span of time.
Now, today, a lot of the communication that takes place has been reduced to text messages that hardly resemble the English language. Many articles have been written on the demise of actual communication and many agonize over the lack of inter-personal relationships because technology has taken the place of face-to-face communication. Is it all bad? No, I don't think so. Our ability to communicate with someone isn't dependent on either face-to-face or technology-aided contact. It's dependent on our willingness to communicate.
Now, stay with me because I'm going to seemingly go off on a totally different tangent. Brian sent me a very significant email this afternoon. We have discussed many times over the past 9 months why the Lord has put us on this path. It's not an easy one!! If I had my choice, I wouldn't choose to have my husband that I love so dearly (and actually still like, too!) be literally on the other side of the world for 12 weeks at a time. I would choose for him to be home, helping me raise our children, being by my side through all the ups and downs that life brings. In every discussion, we always come back to the fact that we KNOW God is directing our paths. He has a plan for us and even though we don't know every detail of that plan, we know we are in His hands and He is guiding us. In our Church, we have no paid clergy. All positions, leadership, teachers, librarians, everything, are filled voluntarily by members of the congregation. There is a small congregation at the base Brian is working on. He was asked last Fall to fill one of the leadership positions. In our vernacular, he was the 2nd counselor in the Branch Presidency. In normal situations, a person would be interviewed in person by a Stake President and during that interview the call would be extended and accepted. Being in AFG is not a normal situation! LOL Brian's interview was conducted by email. A list of questions was sent and, after filling out the answers, it was returned. Then another email arrived and he was asked to serve.
When he was at home on leave, another email arrived. It was again from the District President and was very similar (if not exactly the same) as the previous interview email. Brian again filled out the answers and returned it. This afternoon, Brian forwarded the 2nd email to me. He has been called as the Branch President of the Leatherneck Military Branch. For those unfamiliar with "Mormonisms", the titles Pastor, Father, Bishop or other similar titles would be the equivalent. He will have the responsibility of watching over the members of the congregation, assisting them wherever possible, counseling them, hearing their confessions, scheduling the Sunday meetings and doing whatever else he is guided to do by the Lord. Even as I type this, I'm overwhelmed by it all! I truly wish I was there with him to be the helpmeet a wife is meant to be. I wish I could do more than pray even more fervently for him. I know this will be a challenge for him. He is a good leader. He inspires others and people naturally are drawn to him. We've joked for years that he should have been a professional counselor because people just gravitate to him and are comfortable spilling everything to him! He truly knows how to communicate. We believe that part of the reason God has lead us in this path is so Brian can be in this position to do God's work.
Now let's see if I can tie this all together. I firmly believe that God has had a hand in the rapid development of technology. He uses it for His purposes whether it is to bring 2 people together (like my brother and sister-in-law who met online), to broadcast the words of a living prophet to all the world, or to call an obscure electrician to be the branch president in a remote corner of the world where our Church probably hadn't even been heard of until foreign armies arrived. Technology has enabled the Word to be taken to the farthest reaches of our planet. It has allowed people to have His word that wouldn't have otherwise through advances in translation, printing and availability of media such as dvds and the internet.
I love technology for the good that it brings to the world and, more specifically, to my life. I love it for the ability I have to be close to my husband despite the actual miles that separate us. I love it for the ability I have to find old friends and meet new friends. I love that I have sciptures at my fingertips on my iPad along with my hymnbook and lesson manuals for my Primary class. I love that I can download books to my heart's content to keep at my fingertips for when I have a few minutes. I love that I can keep all my photos handy and relatively safe. And I love so many more things about technology!!! I'm so grateful to be living in this time and this place where God has blessed us with these things to help us further His purposes. There is no doubt that God is leading, guiding and planning our path. May He also bless us that we will recognize and remain on that path always!!!
VFW and Boondoggles
I have no idea if that is spelled correctly or not but that's the word! LOL
Last night at our monthly VFW meeting, I was installed as the Ladies Auxiliary President. I wasn't supposed to be president already. I was the jr. vice pres. and was supposed to have another year to learn the ropes. But due to health issues, our treasurer resigned her position. Our president resigned to become the treasurer. The sr. vice pres. didn't feel like she has the time or energy to commit to being president so it fell to me. Of course, no one gave me any warning that it was coming. They just sprang it on me at meeting last month!! I'm willing to do it, I just have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing!!!!! There are several past presidents that come to our regular meetings and also several past District presidents so I'm in good hands. I look forward to the challenge.
My focus for the year will be on finding and recruiting the families of the 116th Brigade. The 116th is deployed to Iraq right now. It's the 1st deployment for a LOT of them. I want to make sure the families left behind know there is a support system for them, they don't have to be alone!! My cousin is the Mom of one of the men deployed. I'm sure she can help get in touch with others.
So that was the VFW part of the title. Now on to the Boondoggle part. <sigh> I really, truly am a very capable craft person. Give me material, yarn, thread, paper, whatever and I'll make something out of it. But last night I was at a complete loss!!! Our new jr. vice pres. tried to teach me how to start making a boondoggle (you know, those braided looking things boys make at Scout camp). I. Just. Could. Not. Get. It.!!!!!!! Once she started it for me, I caught on to how it is made but the beginning just had me flummoxed!! It wasn't until I was looking at it again this morning that I finally got it!! I haven't tried to start one yet today but I know I'll be able to!! My brain just had to figure it out and I think it had too much to think about last night to fit one more thing in!!!
We're making key chains for the veterans at the VA home. I'm not sure what holiday these are for but we try to do things throughout the year for them (bookmarks for Valentine's Day this year, "crackers" for the 4th of July, etc.). We also provide cake mixes and frosting for everyone's birthdays throughout the year. It doesn't seem like a lot but these men and women are so grateful for the attention!! The home is about 70 miles away so I don't get down there very often but I'm going to be going much more often in my role as president. I look forward to it. I love being around older people and listening to their stories. There is so much to learn from their knowledge and experiences!!!
I found some photos of boondoggles so you know what I'm talking about. :-)
Last night at our monthly VFW meeting, I was installed as the Ladies Auxiliary President. I wasn't supposed to be president already. I was the jr. vice pres. and was supposed to have another year to learn the ropes. But due to health issues, our treasurer resigned her position. Our president resigned to become the treasurer. The sr. vice pres. didn't feel like she has the time or energy to commit to being president so it fell to me. Of course, no one gave me any warning that it was coming. They just sprang it on me at meeting last month!! I'm willing to do it, I just have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing!!!!! There are several past presidents that come to our regular meetings and also several past District presidents so I'm in good hands. I look forward to the challenge.
My focus for the year will be on finding and recruiting the families of the 116th Brigade. The 116th is deployed to Iraq right now. It's the 1st deployment for a LOT of them. I want to make sure the families left behind know there is a support system for them, they don't have to be alone!! My cousin is the Mom of one of the men deployed. I'm sure she can help get in touch with others.
So that was the VFW part of the title. Now on to the Boondoggle part. <sigh> I really, truly am a very capable craft person. Give me material, yarn, thread, paper, whatever and I'll make something out of it. But last night I was at a complete loss!!! Our new jr. vice pres. tried to teach me how to start making a boondoggle (you know, those braided looking things boys make at Scout camp). I. Just. Could. Not. Get. It.!!!!!!! Once she started it for me, I caught on to how it is made but the beginning just had me flummoxed!! It wasn't until I was looking at it again this morning that I finally got it!! I haven't tried to start one yet today but I know I'll be able to!! My brain just had to figure it out and I think it had too much to think about last night to fit one more thing in!!!
We're making key chains for the veterans at the VA home. I'm not sure what holiday these are for but we try to do things throughout the year for them (bookmarks for Valentine's Day this year, "crackers" for the 4th of July, etc.). We also provide cake mixes and frosting for everyone's birthdays throughout the year. It doesn't seem like a lot but these men and women are so grateful for the attention!! The home is about 70 miles away so I don't get down there very often but I'm going to be going much more often in my role as president. I look forward to it. I love being around older people and listening to their stories. There is so much to learn from their knowledge and experiences!!!
I found some photos of boondoggles so you know what I'm talking about. :-)
Good Morning!!
What a beautiful day it is out there!!!!!!! Not a cloud in the sky when I took the boy to school. It's even going to warm up a bit to a balmy 12F or so. :-)
Brian arrived safely back to Camp Leatherneck. It took him almost 4 solid days to get there. He has to rely on Mil Air flights in country and sometimes it takes some time. He left his phone there (since it doesn't work in the States) so I have almost no contact with him while he's traveling unless he can get wifi at the airport. Which usually doesn't happen because he's running to the next flight. With Skype I can text his phone and he gets it almost immediately. I love technology!!!!!!! It saves my sanity some days to have him no further than a text. Well, except it's his night when it's my day. :-)
Today's agenda- go grocery shopping!!!!! My children were horrified that there was only one choice of cereals this morning. ugh. They didn't use to complain about me cooking a hot breakfast for them!! Oh well, they have food in the stomachs and are ready to face the day of learning!! School was cancelled yesterday due to extremely cold temperatures (about -34F before wind chill). This morning is a bit better with only -7F and almost no wind. And thanks to a nifty little trick Brian told me about, the diesel truck started up with almost no complaints!
Also on the agenda- a NAP!!! I was betting on school being cancelled again so I stayed up until 2am reading a book. Silly me. I'm wide awake right now but I'm not sure how long that will last! The twins don't have kindergarten today (parent/teacher conferences) so I'm going to have lots of opportunities to work on my selfLESSness skills. Please, Lord, help me to remember how much thou lovest the little children! And help me, I pray, to be more like thee and be a blessing in their lives today.
Brian arrived safely back to Camp Leatherneck. It took him almost 4 solid days to get there. He has to rely on Mil Air flights in country and sometimes it takes some time. He left his phone there (since it doesn't work in the States) so I have almost no contact with him while he's traveling unless he can get wifi at the airport. Which usually doesn't happen because he's running to the next flight. With Skype I can text his phone and he gets it almost immediately. I love technology!!!!!!! It saves my sanity some days to have him no further than a text. Well, except it's his night when it's my day. :-)
Today's agenda- go grocery shopping!!!!! My children were horrified that there was only one choice of cereals this morning. ugh. They didn't use to complain about me cooking a hot breakfast for them!! Oh well, they have food in the stomachs and are ready to face the day of learning!! School was cancelled yesterday due to extremely cold temperatures (about -34F before wind chill). This morning is a bit better with only -7F and almost no wind. And thanks to a nifty little trick Brian told me about, the diesel truck started up with almost no complaints!
Also on the agenda- a NAP!!! I was betting on school being cancelled again so I stayed up until 2am reading a book. Silly me. I'm wide awake right now but I'm not sure how long that will last! The twins don't have kindergarten today (parent/teacher conferences) so I'm going to have lots of opportunities to work on my selfLESSness skills. Please, Lord, help me to remember how much thou lovest the little children! And help me, I pray, to be more like thee and be a blessing in their lives today.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Volunteering
Why is it that no matter how many times I volunteer to help, no one takes me up on it? If I volunteer, I have the time!!! If I don't volunteer, there's a very good reason for it!!! I know I have a lot on my "plate" with Brian being gone and having 5 children at home. But really, sometimes I'd like to get off my plate and help with someone else's. I can't do "Mom" 24/7/365. I *need* a break once in awhile from my real life.
Thank you Julie for letting me help with the up-coming activity!!! I actually feel like my talents and abilities are being put to good use.
Thank you Sister E. for not telling your husband that I have too much on my plate to help with the cannery assignment. I'm looking forward to serving!!
What is that quote? Something like "Forget yourself and go to work." I need that sometimes. I know I am a selfish person. I like my time and space. I like doing what I want to do when I want to do it. And yet, at the same time, I will do almost anything for almost anyone (there are a few notable exceptions to the "anything" part). I like being helpful. I like making people happy. "I'm a people-pleaser, people!" (10 points if you know the movie that quote is from!)
"When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God"
With all of that being said, why is it so much harder to *want* to please those closest to you? Why is it that when my children ask for my help I often view it as trivial? I know the answer, because I'm selfish. When I'm at home, I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. When I'm in the middle of reading an email, I really don't want to stop to look at the picture my 5 year old drew or watch a video clip that my 13 year old just put together with his stop-motion movies. When I'm reading a book, I really don't want to stop to read a different book to a child. Unless it's in the morning and I'm reading scriptures. Isabeau often wakes up and comes out to the kitchen. Then I love to have her sit on my lap and I read out loud to her. Why is it so different in the middle of the day?
These are all questions I ask myself. I'm not really looking for answers from someone else. I need to find the answers for myself.
Wow, this post took a really drastic turn from where I started. I started just to vent about people ignoring my offers of help. And look where it took me!! An introspective look at the contradictions in my actions. I'm willing to give but not so much if it's my family. Ugh. Just one more thing about myself that is in direct conflict to what I believe and try to live. I'm not sure this blog is being very helpful. I keep finding more things to work on. LOL I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow I start working on being less selfish with my family. One step at a time. Better tomorrow than I was today. Better tomorrow than I was today. Better tomorrow..........
Thank you Julie for letting me help with the up-coming activity!!! I actually feel like my talents and abilities are being put to good use.
Thank you Sister E. for not telling your husband that I have too much on my plate to help with the cannery assignment. I'm looking forward to serving!!
What is that quote? Something like "Forget yourself and go to work." I need that sometimes. I know I am a selfish person. I like my time and space. I like doing what I want to do when I want to do it. And yet, at the same time, I will do almost anything for almost anyone (there are a few notable exceptions to the "anything" part). I like being helpful. I like making people happy. "I'm a people-pleaser, people!" (10 points if you know the movie that quote is from!)
"When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God"
With all of that being said, why is it so much harder to *want* to please those closest to you? Why is it that when my children ask for my help I often view it as trivial? I know the answer, because I'm selfish. When I'm at home, I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. When I'm in the middle of reading an email, I really don't want to stop to look at the picture my 5 year old drew or watch a video clip that my 13 year old just put together with his stop-motion movies. When I'm reading a book, I really don't want to stop to read a different book to a child. Unless it's in the morning and I'm reading scriptures. Isabeau often wakes up and comes out to the kitchen. Then I love to have her sit on my lap and I read out loud to her. Why is it so different in the middle of the day?
These are all questions I ask myself. I'm not really looking for answers from someone else. I need to find the answers for myself.
Wow, this post took a really drastic turn from where I started. I started just to vent about people ignoring my offers of help. And look where it took me!! An introspective look at the contradictions in my actions. I'm willing to give but not so much if it's my family. Ugh. Just one more thing about myself that is in direct conflict to what I believe and try to live. I'm not sure this blog is being very helpful. I keep finding more things to work on. LOL I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow I start working on being less selfish with my family. One step at a time. Better tomorrow than I was today. Better tomorrow than I was today. Better tomorrow..........
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