Consecration and Covenants

What does those words mean??  In the Oxford American dictionary, consecration is defined as "dedicated, devoted as sacred".  Consecrate is defined "make or declare (something, typically a church) sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose".  An informal use is to "devote (something) exclusively to a particular purpose".
The other word is Covenant.  It is simply defined as "an agreement".  As used in theology, it has a bit more meaning- "an agreement that brings about a relationship of commitment between God and His people.  The Jewish faith is based on the biblical covenants made with Abraham, Moses, and David."
In the Bible Dictionary the meaning is even stronger- "Sometimes denotes an agreement between persons (1 Sam. 23:18) or nations (1 Sam. 11:1);  more often between God and man;  but in this latter case it is important to notice that the two parties to the agreement do not stand in the relation of independent and equal contractors.  God in His good pleasure fixes the terms, which man accepts.  The same word is sometimes rendered 'testament'.  The gospel is so arranged that principles and ordinances are received by covenant placing the recipient under strong obligation and responsibility to honor the commitment.  Thus the severe consequences to Ananias and Sapphira, who deliberately broke their covenant and lied unto God (Acts 5:1-11)."
As defined by me- a covenant is a promise from me to God to do something that He has asked of me.  He sets the terms and conditions, sets forth the blessings of keeping the covenant, affixes the consequences of not keeping the covenant and *ALWAYS* keeps His end of the "bargain".
Just over 19 years ago, I entered the Temple for the first time for the purpose of making covenants with God and learning what He would have me know.  As I attended the Temple this past Saturday, these two words really caught my attention more than I think they ever had.  19 years ago I covenanted to consecrate my time and talents to the Lord's purposes.  On Saturday I began to really pondered what I was doing to fulfill that covenant.  My conclusion was "not enough".  My next question to the Lord was "which talent?"  I have a lot of talents that the Lord has given me.  I like to joke and say I'm a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.  It's self-deprecating but I've always felt it was true.  So which of these many things that I'm capable of doing does the Lord want me to use to help build His Kingdom?  The one that kept coming back over and over was sewing and other handwork.  Okay.......  how in the world does sewing help build the Kingdom??  I talked with some friends about it on Sunday.  Several suggested that LDS Humanitarian Services was in need of quilts around the world.  Well.  That certainly is part of my talents!!  I've been making quilts for about 20 years!  I decided to talk to my Bishop to see if there was anything specific our ward had been asked to do by humanitarian services (HS from here on out).  He told me that each ward has to request projects from HS.  He then asked me to look into what projects HS has available currently.  He said there are several groups at Church that would be able to do something.  Wow.  I didn't expect to be given an assignment from the Bishop and I'm not sure I was expecting to get a direction to go from the Lord quite so quickly!!!
On Monday morning, I went down to our local HS center ready to pick up as many projects as I thought possible and get going on them immediately.  Much to my dismay, our local center is only open Tues.-Thurs. according to the front door.  I went home at a complete loss as to what to do next.  I had my day planned around doing HS projects!!  As I sat and again pondered what I was supposed to do, I remembered a project I had kind of started about 4 years ago.  I had found the pattern, bought the materials and then put it in a drawer to sit for the next 4 years.  I finally pulled it out into the light of day and committed to actually finish it.  It may not seem to be a really important project.  It's an altar cloth for the Temple.  Not many people will ever see it, it doesn't serve the needy, it doesn't warm the cold. In reality, it's an over-sized, crocheted doily.  So how does *that* help fulfill my covenant??  Last night instead of sitting watching something on hulu that has no eternal value, I consecrated my time to making something for the house of the Lord.  I remembered as I crocheted that giving my service willingly was part of fulfilling that covenant.  That spending my time doing something for the Lord was part of fulfilling that covenant.  That maybe the time given was more important than the actual product.  I've done service projects in the past quite unwillingly.  I'm thinking that while the Lord is grateful something got accomplished, He wasn't too impressed with my attitude and didn't really count it as a blessing to me.  And it probably didn't qualify as keeping my covenant.
So I am starting a new chapter in life.  I am going to more fully keep the covenant I have made with the Lord. I am going to willingly consecrate more of my time, talents and all that the Lord has given me to Him and His purposes.  One step at a time.  Always striving to be better.

The first block/motif for the altar cloth.  It hasn't been washed and blocked so it's not as perfect as it will be.  :-)  Just imagine dozens of these all hooked together and you'll get the picture of the finished cloth.

The Terminator

I visited the Terminator today.  His name is Judge Walker.  After reviewing the paperwork that was signed by birth parents, he put his signature to the papers and terminated their parental rights to our little Jared!!!  Which opens the way for us to finally adopt him!!  It has been an incredibly good day!!  I got to tell Jared that he gets to be our son, not our foster child, not our nephew, but our own son!  He was so excited!!!
Confession- For the past year, I have been guarding myself against the possibility that Jared would be returned to his mother.  It has happened before and there were no guarantees this time, either.  We knew that since the State was involved, it would be harder for his birth mother to regain custody of him.  And she made it even harder for herself by violating her parole and being sent to the State Prison.  But, until today, it was still a possibility even though it was getting smaller and smaller every passing week.  I didn't want to let myself get too attached (whatever that really is) and then have to send him back to his birth mother.
There was a total shift in my feelings today.  It wasn't a conscience decision, it wasn't even something I really recognized until late in the day.
I walked into the courthouse this morning and didn't find anyone (I was only 5 minutes early).  Our case worker from Health and Welfare showed up just a few minutes later.  She told me that she had the signed paperwork from the birth mother and the court already had the paperwork from the birth father.  I had no idea it was done!!!!!  I knew they had agreed to sign but didn't realize it was actually *done*.  I nearly jumped up and down I was so excited!!  We went in, sat down and waited for the judge.  My neighbor walked into the court room.  It took me a second or two to remember that he was the birth mother's lawyer.
The judge came in, opened court and got the birth mother on the phone.  He asked a few questions to make sure signing the papers were done by her free choice.  She was very calm on the phone and seemed collected (unlike in January).  She confirmed everything and the judge put his signature on the papers.  Then the judge called the birth father and went through the same procedure!  I was ready to bawl my eyes out!
We left the court room immediately so the judge could move on to the next case.  I was floating!!!  So happy!!!  Our case worker said she would send all the paperwork over to the adoption case worker and he would get moving on it.  He was out of the office today but I'm going to call him tomorrow and bug him like crazy to get the paperwork done as quickly as possible!!
I went to pick up the 2 children and I got to tell Jared that he gets to be our son now!  He was again so excited!!!!  Looking back at the day, that change in my feelings and attitude started as soon as the judge signed those papers.  And it showed itself when I hugged Jared like I would Ronan or Isabeau instead of holding back like I have for the past year.  And all through the day it was like that.  I can't even explain everything I have recognized in myself today.  It is a good change and one I am so grateful for!!  One worry I have had is if I would be able to treat him completely like I do the other children.  Today proved that, yes, I will!!!!!!!
Now, ON TO ADOPTION!!!!!!!

This is the actual courtroom we were in!!  I was seated in the front bench here in the center.  It is an amazing, historic building.  And even more important, it will be where our adoption will be finalized!!

World Events

I'm supposed to be decorating a couple of cakes for the twins' birthday today.  Instead I'm sitting glued to the computer screen watching videos of the tsunami coming in on the Oregon Coast.  It's where I grew up.  I spent a lot of hours in the Gold Beach and Brookings harbors.  I can't really explain how I feel about what has happened.  The Brookings harbor has been devastated.  I haven't heard about Gold Beach but I know the tsunami hit there, too.  

Growing up, we had a LOT of tsunami warnings.  I remember one especially.  My Mom, brothers and I had gone to Brookings for youth group.  Dad called the church and told Mom there was a tsunami warning because of an earthquake.  They decided the best thing would be to get home as quickly as possible since the road may have become impassable if hit by the wave.  It was a tense ride home.  We were watching the ocean as much as possible (especially through Pistol River!!), just waiting for that wave to come.  It never did.  

As long as I lived there, despite numerous warnings, there was never a tsunami and hardly a surge from far away earthquakes.  So this morning has really shaken me unexpectedly.  I live more than 1000 miles away from there now.  And yet, I'm .......... what's the word??.......... heart-sick?  Sick?  Heart-broken?  I don't know how to explain it.  I pray that all my friends still in that area are safe!!

I've posted videos and photos on my FaceBook page.  I'm not sure how to get the videos on to my blog.  Here are a couple photos of the damage done at the Brookings harbor.

Release

***For my non-LDS friends- in our Church, there are no paid positions such as preacher, minister, secretary, etc.  Even the custodial work is done on a volunteer basis.  We refer to these positions as "callings", as in- you are called of God to fulfill certain responsibilities.  Being "released" from a calling simply means you don't have that responsibility any more and someone else does.  A ward is a congregation.  And CTR stands for Choose The Right .***

Well, I'm officially out of a job at Church.  I've been teaching the CTR 4 class for about 18 months now.  The children are all 4 years old on Jan. 1 and turn 5 during the year.  I had my twins in my class last year.  That was a challenge.  This year, I got all the kids with birthdays in August-December.  It has been an even bigger challenge.  3 of the boys are very *very* active.  One of the girls is also.  I had 8 children in my class altogether this year.  10 last year.  There were days that I wanted to tear my hair out and run from the classroom screaming.  And then there were days that I just loved being where I was.
Today I was released from that calling.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I also don't have a visiting teaching route right now.  So I really don't have any responsibilities at Church.  It's an odd place to be.  The only time I've experienced this is when we've moved into a new ward and they just haven't gotten to us yet.  I don't know if the Bishopric has something else in mind for me or if they just wanted to take some of the "burden" off me with Brian being gone.  When Brother Bryner told me last week that they were going to release me, I was surprised.  I told him that I was fine continuing but if they felt I needed to be released then that was okay.  So I've thought about it all week and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.  I'm grateful to not be so stressed out every week trying to teach the children the lessons while they bounce off the walls (once one of them gets going, they all get going!!!). At the same time, do I really have a purpose in even going to Church now?  Other than Sacrament Meeting, I mean.  I'm not going to stop going!!!!  There would be a HUGE void in my life without the Church.  But I've been so busy on Sundays with teaching this class, how am I going to feel just sitting in Sunday School and Relief Society listening to the lesson?
I'm sure there is something else in store for me.  I'm going to just enjoy the calm before the storm!!!

Counting Chickens

It's high time I learned my lesson.  Here is my punishment-
1. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  2. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  3. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  4. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  5. I will not count my chickens before they hatch. 6. I will not count my chickens before they hatch. 7. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  8. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  9. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  10. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  11. I will not count my chickens before they hatch. 12. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  13. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  14. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  15. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  16. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  17. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  18. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  19. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  20. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  21. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  22. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  23. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  24. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  25. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  26. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  27. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  28. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  29. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  30. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  31. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  32. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  33. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  34. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  35. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  36. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  37. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  38. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  40. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  41. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  42. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  43. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  44. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  45. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  46. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  47. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  48. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.  49. I will not count my chickens before they hatch.
50. I WILL NOT COUNT MY CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other words- this month, I'm not assuming any certain amount for our paycheck.  Last month's $1200 "short-fall" really hurt.  I'm not planning on paying anything but the basic necessities.  If there's leftover for the rest of the month, lucky us.
And yes, I actually typed all of that out.  No cut and paste tricks.  :-)   We'll see if it helps.

    

Life Changing Experiences

How do you know if one particular moment in your life is going to be *that* moment that will change your life forever? Usually we don't. We look back and say "aahhhh.... yes, that was the moment I changed". So, will I look back a year from now, 5 years, 10 years, and say "yep, that's the moment."? I don't know but I hope so.
My day started by getting up far too early for a Saturday!! I even showered, put on nylons, a skirt, shirt and high heels, did my make-up and my hair and was out the door just after 9am. What in the world could do that?? An invitation to listen and learn from our beloved General Relief Society President Julie B. Beck. The invitation was open to all women and young women ages 16 and older in 46 Stakes in our Region. To come and be edified and uplifted. To learn and to grow. I am so grateful that I accepted that invitation. I almost didn't. It's Saturday and it's usually my don't-get-out-of-my-pajamas-until-noon-or-later day. But I decided this invitation was far more important than the invitation from my cozy, warm bed. :-)
I didn't know what the format for the meeting was to be. I thought we would have a few speakers, a few musical numbers and be done. Instead, we had the opportunity to ask questions and get answers. Anyone could go up to the microphone and ask a question. The questions asked were all very good. I thought at first that some of them didn't apply to me because they were aimed at other demographics (single women, single moms, latinas, etc.). But as I listened to Sister Beck's replies, I learned something from every single one.
The most important one for me today (and who knows, a different question might have caught my attention more on a different day) was "how do we find balance between our spiritual and temporal lives?" It's a question I've asked myself many times and part of my searching that I've been doing lately. Sister Beck's answer was fairly long but the main point was that we need to prioritize. Scripture study, prayers, temple attendance, etc. are essential. There are things we have to do like cook, clean, taxi, etc. And then there are nice, fun things like reading a book, working on a hobby, etc. We need to put the essential things first, and do the things we have to do, then we will find time to do the nice things. And we will find balance. I've been very out of balance lately. Since about Christmas time. It's time to get back into balance. She said your personal best is acceptable to the Lord. He knows what our desires are and what we can do.
One of the other things she said, in reply to a different question, is to have joy in this life. FIND the joy despite the challenges we face. I've heard that said before. But today it struck my heart. When I came home, I was able to find joy in a place I've never found it before- housework. ***Confession time**** I have realized over the past few weeks that I actually don't mind doing the housework as much as I moan and groan about it. I like having a clean house (who doesn't???) and I don't mind doing up the dishes or picking up a bit after the kids sometimes. I do mind that work being undone so quickly, though!! :-) So when I needed to help my youngest clean up her room, I purposely found joy in it. And I pointed out to my daughter how nice it was to have such a clean room. I will try to continue to do that so my children don't think of it as drudgery.
Another question was "how do I know what the Lord wants me to do with my talents when I've been working for so long on achieving specific things?" Or in other words "Am I going in the right direction with my talents or does God have a different plan for me?" This is one I struggle with sometimes. I do a LOT of things. The Lord has blessed me with many talents. I struggle because I want to share my talents with others and I'm not often given that opportunity. Sister Beck said that sometimes our greatest trials in life will come from wanting to use our talents in a way that is different from the Lord's plan. We need to improve our talents and seek the Lord's will through prayer as to how He wants us to use them. He owns our talents, He is the one who gave those talents to us. If we seek His will, we will know where we can best use the talents we have been given.
Right now, I am using my talent for sewing to make aprons. Strange, you might think. Every year our Relief Society has a service auction. We offer certain services up for bid and people use "money" they have earned by the services they have performed over the past month or so and by having done other things like saying personal prayers, scripture study, etc. It's always a ton of fun!! I taught a class on basic apron sewing a few weeks ago. It was a big enough hit that I decided to make some aprons for the service auction. So I'm using my talent to make something as a service to someone else. To me, it's a very small thing. I love to sew, I'm pretty good at it (30+ years experience will do that for you!) and it doesn't take long to whip up some really cute aprons!! But to someone else who doesn't know how to sew or doesn't have the time or resources, it might be a big thing!
There was so much more that I can't possibly put it all in a blog post!! I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to go and participate in this conference!!! I needed to hear so many of the things that were said! I will do my best to make sure it is one of those life changing experiences!!!

Why did I have Children???

This is actually a question one of my friends on FaceBook posted last week. It got me thinking. And thinking and thinking some more!! And I still don't know if I have the actual answer yet.
Why did I want children to begin with? Well, that's just what you do, right? You grow up, you get married, you have children, you get old, you get grandchildren, you die. Having grown up in the Church, it was also something drilled into us- multiply and replenish the Earth (although you con't have to do it all by yourself as my parents tried to do. LOL).
We were ecstatic when we first found out we were expecting our oldest. Then reality and the puking kicked in!! It was not a pleasant pregnancy to say the least. Okay, it was horrible, awful, terrible. I HATED being pregnant. But delivery and recovery were fairly a breeze so that kind of made up for it. Oh, but I did get to be in the hospital 3 times during pregnancy, got jabbed by all those needles by nurses trying to get an IV started in dehydrated veins. Yeah, that memory still isn't gone 18 years later.
A year and a half or so after that, we started thinking about a 2nd one. I mean, goodness, pregnancy couldn't possibly be *that* bad every time. right? Much to our dismay and sorrow, we waited and waited and waited for that pink line to show up. It finally did one Tuesday afternoon, more than 2 years later. We were thrilled. I announced it to the world. Then just a few short days later, devastation followed when I miscarried. I couldn't understand why God would let it take sooooooo long to have another child and then snatch it away. Thankfully, those thoughts didn't last long. I knew it was irrational and put it aside. 4 months later, we found out I was pregnant again. Our 2nd son was born that year after an almost equally horrific pregnancy and a much more difficult delivery (what do you expect when the baby is 9# 11oz???). Recovery seemed okay at first but some complications set in. That was "fun".
For some reason, it wasn't enough, though. We started wanting another!! Before our 3rd was born, we again dealt with infertility. And on top of that, I went through an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy that ruptured and required emergency surgery. Despite that, our 3rd son was born almost exactly one year later. That pregnancy wasn't nearly as awful, almost okay, even. Delivery and recovery were a breeze!! Almost 3 years after his birth, we thought it was time for yet another one. We figured it would take at least a year given our history. Imagine our surprise, one month later, when we found out we were expecting our 4th child!! Not a bit of infertility. But the puking returned and on top of that, I got DVT (blood clots). A month of bed rest and 2X daily injections of blood thinners (which I got to give myself!!) seemed to take care of the problem and the rest of the pregnancy was actually quite easy. My Dr., who attends our Church and believes in big families (*IF* the mother's health permits), told me I shouldn't have more due to possible death from complications of another blood clot. Yeah, I'm not interested in dying quite this young and leaving 4 children behind. I would also have to be on blood thinners again for the entire pregnancy. It was $35,000 just for the 7 months of injections!!! After a lot of prayer and thought, we decided that we would not have more and the Dr. performed surgery.
So, now that you have that fascinating history, why did you need to know it??? I guess to show the contrast between what happened and what I'm thinking. We went through so much to get several of our children into our family. Why? What made us willing to go through that?

I love my children. There is no doubt about that. There are some days, however, that I don't like them much. When they're whiny, arguing with each other, arguing with ME, giving me stress about school work, etc., etc., etc. I've said before on this blog, I'm a rather selfish person some days and that isn't really conducive to being a good Mom. I'm no longer interested in being Mother of the Year. I just want my children to grow up, be productive citizens, have good lives and leave home.
Wow, that was blunt. I'm in a mood tonight.
Last month I had an interesting dream. I don't have realistic dreams very often. They are usually quite clearly dreams, imaginings of a partly deranged mind. But this dream was different. It wasn't that weird stuff. It was rational and very life-like. And I was pregnant. ugh. I also usually don't remember dreams too well. This one was very clear long after I woke up. And still is today. I thought a lot about that dream and wondered if it meant something. Because the last time I dreamed like that (almost 14 years ago) *was* a message, I decided to pay attention. I had a few conversations with God. In the end, I told Him "Thy will be done". I was willing to go through pregnancy despite knowing how horrible it could be and what complications could arise. I am still thankful that it was just a dream and I am NOT adding another child to the family. :-) Maybe it was enough to be willing. I don't know. I'm rambling again. Why in the world would I want to have another child??? I'm not doing so great with the ones I already have. I'm trying to be better. Not sure how well I'm succeeding. I'm sure my children will let me know once they've grown up.
I don't regret having children. Not for a single millisecond!!!!! I know they are all meant to be part of my family. Even our nephew. We hope to adopt him this summer. Then he'll truly be ours!! Is it getting older that makes my mind wander to thinking about wanting more? Is it because I can't? Is it just a slow deterioration of my already weak mind? I don't know. I really, truly don't have an answer to the questions. I don't know if it was just nature that makes us want to procreate and further the species. Maybe it was some innate knowledge that God wants us to have families. Maybe I was delusional and thought I could do things sooooooooooo much better than my parents. Yeah, that's funny. I know I'm doing some things differently that needed to be changed but I also know that there are some things from childhood that just get ingrained and they become part of who you are. I also know that I share some of the same mental issues my Mom's family has and that has certainly effected my ability to be that "perfect" Mom. There are so many things I do know. I know God wants us to be a family and to be happy. I know it was a good choice to have children. I know I will get through their growing-up years in one piece (even if I have to duct-tape them!!!). The one thing I still don't know, though, is the answer to that question-
Why did I have children???

I have to admit, we made some pretty good looking kids!!!